Dear Gabby,
I have a friend who’s entered a relationship within the last few months. It’s a mess. She’s known this guy for a few years, but I’ve never thought that he’s good for her. He doesn’t like me for a predisposition I cant change, her family doesn’t approve of him and her friends don’t like him. She’s already trying to move out with him, she’s going too fast and I feel like I’m losing my friend to him. I also think she mistakes love for lust (even though I don’t understand why because I think her boyfriend looks like an ogre). I don’t know if I should support her, wait for her to crash and burn, and be a good friend to help her pick up the pieces, or if I should confront her at some point and express my worries. These concerns come from my good intentions, but she gets defensive easily and I don’t want my objections to come off as an assault on her decisions. What do you think I should do?
Sincerely,
A Concerned Fella
Dear A Concerned Fella,
I will definitely say boyfriends and friends are a tough situation to deal with. I think learning how to balance your boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter is a skill that everyone needs to learn. So don’t immediately feel like your friend is throwing you out on the side, believe me, I am sure she’s struggling with trying to keep everyone happy.
Lust and love is a tricky thing. It sounds obvious, but only they know what they feel. I can’t say if she feels love or lust, but I can say that it doesn’t always matter what other people say—if she wants to be with him then nothing will persuade her differently. I think it’s really important that boyfriends or girlfriends get along with family and friends, but it’s also very complicated to combine two separate worlds into one—sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. However, I know that it is a two-way street. It requires both parties to make an effort to come together on behalf of your friend’s and his girlfriend’s happiness.
Don’t blame your friend or disconnect yourself with her just because you dislike her boyfriend. I think it’s important to try to see your friend’s point of view. Ask her what she likes about him, and why she enjoys spending time with him—maybe it will put things in a better perspective. While you’re doing that, it might be a good time to express why you view him differently.
She might be blinded by love or lust and you might know exactly what she needs, but it won’t matter how much longer you’ve known her or how valid your point is because if she really has feelings for him then she’ll naturally want to defend him because he has her heart.
I don’t know the history of your friendship, but it might make things worse if you are completely honest with her about how you feel about her boyfriend because more than likely she’ll just pull away from you. I think the most important thing is to be her support system—I guarantee you that’s all she wants. Let her make mistakes or fall a little bit, and then be there to dry her tears. I believe things have a way of working out. If he truly isn’t treating her the way you think she deserves, then hopefully one day she’ll be honest with herself, and realize that it’s time to move on, but also maybe it will work out and eventually things will change and time will help this transition. My advice to you is be there for her no matter what. Let her vent about the good and the bad things about their relationship and give her the support she needs—be the best friend you can be.
Don’t give up,
Gabby