Last week, the Traditional Values Club hosted an event titled “How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk or Jerkette,” in which the Director of Marriage Works Ohio, Greg Shutte, presented information regarding successful relationships.
In conjunction with the event, the Clarion spoke with Anne Soltysiak, a professor of Psychology at Sinclair Community College about the psychology of relationships.
“Probably a lot of attraction has to do with things people have experienced before, cognitively and emotionally,” she said. “You may get turned off by dark-haired men because the last boyfriend you had really hurt you, so you may have other things you find attractive. That’s conditioning and it potentially plays a role.”
Several factors are involved in finding another individual attractive, such as cultural, social and environmental factors, she said
“The thing about humans that makes us harder to study than rats is that we’re so complex and there are so many factors, [such as] cultural factors and the role that social things play in attraction,” she said. “It certainly has to do with biology and experience — probably environment. There are some environments that are more conducive to finding someone to be attractive or not, while there are other environments who focus on something else and you wouldn’t think of that. Your own personal memory and experiences take over and neurobiology is going to certainly play a role. From there, it’s about the learning aspect of the relationship.”
At the beginning of a relationship, the brain may fire off responses similar to taking drugs. However, it fades over time.
“You don’t stay in that crazy love stage forever. Over a period of time, you tend to have much lower neurobiological responses to the person you’re with,” she said. “Things can get boring, things get taken for granted, and that’s natural because you can’t stay in a high state of arousal forever — that’s not a bad thing … it’s easy and so comfortable. That’s what makes long-term relationships valuable and good for people — if they can find that. It’s companionship after a while, less of that crazy roller coaster ride thing.”
She said we might go for certain people because of attachment models, which are formed when we are young.
“You will unconsciously respond to things in another person that evoke those same responses that you had when you were a child,” she said.
Soltysiak said the three attachment styles consist of being avoidant, anxious or secure.
According to her, those with avoidant styles may respond negatively to clingy partners and may seem distant. Those with anxious styles may seem clingy in relationships. Those with secure attachment styles are okay being alone and together.
Soltysiak pointed out that no matter what attachment style an individual may possess, the brain can always change and people can train themselves to have a different attachment style.
“A lot of those early experiences shape how we feel and how we respond to the world,” she said. “That’s an important thing to remember as parents, you have so much of that responsibility and you have to try to give your kids the best, most healthy start you can in terms of emotional relationships because they will be repeating some of it, and probably even in physical features. We respond to the things we’ve loved for so long.”
As far as maintaining a healthy relationship, Soltysiak said it takes work.
“It’s like tending to a garden. You don’t just throw some seeds out there and let things happen the way they will, because it may go badly,” she said. “To me, the most successful relationships I’ve had have been well-tended relationships. By well-tended, I mean spending time with that person, giving that person your full attention. Often in long-term relationships, we take that for granted and stop focusing and listening — you have to listen, and it has to go both ways.”