Last semester I decided to let you guys in on how to be a cat. How unfair would it be to not mention the drooling side of the pet world?
When I wrote the cat informational I shadowed my good buddy LT (who sadly died on Christmas.) This time I get to hang out with my princess, Layla, for learning the basics on how to be a dog.
The first thing you want to know about being a dog is that all dogs are puppies.
It doesn’t matter if you are growing grey hair or just coming out of the womb. You are a puppy for life. All humans like puppies. All dogs like being called “puppy.”
Another key thing to remember if you want to be a dog is that all dogs are also lap dogs.
You can be a small, feisty Chihuahua and be a lap dog. Obviously. They weigh maybe five pounds. Or, you can be a giant, furry Siberian Husky and be a lap dog. You may weigh a ton, but your human will love you for sitting on them and keeping them warm. I promise. I wouldn’t lie to you.
Dogs aren’t always the smartest creatures at the pet store, but for the sake of your human you try to be.
The main reason you try is because they give you treats when teaching you how to do tricks. The only trick that matters is when your human throws things. That’s called fetch, and it’s the most fun time of the day.
Essentially you get to run around and go get things. Balls. Sticks. Newspaper. Food. It doesn’t really concern you on what it is. The human throws it. You run and get it. You bring it back, but you don’t want them to take it. It’s yours now, right? Why else would they throw it away?
Since you’re a dog and sometimes lack self-control, you also want to destroy all the things. You should tear apart all the papers in the house, especially those things called “bills.” (The humans don’t like those.) If you get a new toy, your mission is to take out all the stuffing and squeaky parts.
When you get caught, you have two options for how to react. One thing you could do is to be proud like you did a good thing so you can get the sacred compliment. (More on that later.) The other thing you could do is pretend not to notice the mess the you made. Sometimes humans think it’s cute.
If your human does get mad though, give them the big eyes. They always get soft when you give them the big eyes.
As a dog, you’re also really good at begging for human food. That stuff is the BEST! Anytime the humans are eating you need to sit at their feet and stare at them (with the big eyes) and drool. Drool a lot. That’s a thing dogs are great at; just making everything wet and sloppy.
If you’re a boy dog, you should probably go ahead and make sure everything is yours. That means it needs to smell like you. You have to, well, you know… Pee on it.
The humans won’t like that, but this is the one time you can’t give in. Other animals need to know that all the things are your things.
On the other hand, if you don’t mark your spots and destroy things you’ll be a “good boy,” and that is truly the ultimate compliment in the world.
Anytime you do a thing that the humans like you become a “good boy.” That makes you happy and gets your tail a’ waggin’.
Every dog wants to be called a good boy.
Just remember to always love your human whether you are a dog (or even a cat.)
Brittany Fletcher
Designer